she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
