I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
