I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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