Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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