so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
