Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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