I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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