if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
