I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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