so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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