see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
