with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
