we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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