i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
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You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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