I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
