the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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