Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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