Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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