I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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