went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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