You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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