I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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