I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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