What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
