idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The Olympian is in my bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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