On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
