Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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