My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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