Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
