carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
