Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
