am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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