she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
