and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
