Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's never too late to be topless.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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