Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
