Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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