3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
