So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
