Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
