I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
