Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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