I accidentally burped into my bong.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
