just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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