True but thats because hes a fetus.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
