Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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