My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
