Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
