if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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