So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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