just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
