my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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