I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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