ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
