Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
