onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
